ADORABLE ZEN MASTER OR FLIGHTLESS WATER FOWL? At a mere two feet tall, the cuddly Lil’ Pengy is the very essence of innocence, and yet possesses an unmatched depth of wisdom. With a simple pout and a wry ‘hello’, our hero glides effortlessly from one adventure to another.
Wherever the wind shifts, he will follow, and wherever he lands… that’s where he’ll be.
Fun Fact: Although Lil’ Pengy is said to understand such varied dead languages as Latin, Cornish, Coptic, Sanskrit, Polabian, Vedic, Manx, Gaulish, Old Prussian, Church Slavonic, and even Hieroglypic Hittite, he has never been found to utter any word other then “hello”. (it is unknown to this day, if when saying “hello”, Lil’ Pengy is referring to the common English greeting or the ancient “Church Slavonic” curse word, which when roughly translated means “Idiot”.
What others say about Lil’ Pengy:
- Terrance (The Badger) Kapunsky – “He’s my bestest buddy and one of the finest birds to ever come along. I love him ’cause the little bugger needs me so. Boy, that poor guy… if I weren’t around to show him the ropes he’d be eaten alive. He’s too good! I tell him all the time to kick somebody in the shins, but he’d rather say, ‘hello’. Go figure.”
- Tushingham D. Hamsta – “He’s one of the few blokes I haven’t punched in the face! Kinda sad, really. I often weep at night thinking about it. After all… I promised dear ol’ mom on her deathbed that I’d bash everyone I’d ever meet, but I can’t get bloody angry at that boy. He’s all heart.”
- Leonard (The Mole) Stepponnmeisser – “Yes, I would very much like to put into words how I feel about Pengy, but it might be best I write up a few drafts first, because I wouldn’t want to undermine his meaning to me by leaving anything out. If there is one thing I’ve learned when supplying a compliment, it’s that you have to be sure you’re fully ready to deliver one and that it sounds sincere, despite whatever rewrites and intense contemplation is required.”
- Turk (The Naked Turtle) Tackleburry – “I like talking to Pengy ’cause he’s a good listener and never seems to get up and walk away like most people do when I have something to say.”
- Stan The Man – “I think that penguin owes me money. Did I say penguin? I meant badger; where the hell is Terrance?!”
CHAMPION OF THE UNDERDOG OR TOTALLY UNRELIABLE GOOFBALL? Spewing skewed philosophy blurted through puffs of cigar smoke, Terrance is that lovable kind of guy who’s always the first to offer help or advice in any situation… Just because he forgets to make good on anything he promises and his suggestions stink, doesn’t make him a bad guy! This high-volume think-before-acting loon has a mountain-sized chip on his furry little shoulder, with a generous heart to match.
Born to quibble, debate and generally annoy, this “badger” is a modern day woodland warrior who uses his unique and baffling style to right wrongs, fix the odd appliance and fight for truth, justice and free beer!!
Terrance’s mother, an Indonesian “stink badger” named “Promise”, was the very first badger killed in the infamous Mount Gede Pangrango National Park riot of ’69.
What others say about Terrance:
- Lil’ Pengy – “hello.”
- Stan the Man – “NOT A WORD comes out of this mouth ’till that deadbeat gives me my money!”
- Tushingham D. Hamsta – “I was just out havin’ a (expletive deleted) pop or ten with Terry! You don’t happen to know what bleedin’ time it is, do ya? Cause I’ve got these three chickies waiting for me at me flat downtown and…wait, was we just talking about Terrance, because he’s… HEY, hold on just a minute… who the hell are you anyway?! I’ve got a good mind to smash your (expletive deleted) skull! Bleeding Hell, I can’t talk now. I think I need to lie down right here.”
- Leonard the Mole – “Terrance is a very helpful fellow, although I never really ask for his help, he always seems to offer it though. And sometimes, as it works out… it isn’t really any kind of help at all. Actually… conservatively speaking, I would have to say that most times it’s a disaster! But really, he means well. I mean… I think he means well, but I have no proof of this.”
- Phineas T. Gumption – “You don’t have the time or space to print what I think about that loud mouth, conniving, lowlife, back-stabbing, loose-lipped, tight-wad, sneaky, fat, hairy, smelly, drunken F*$%nut!!”
- Turk (the Naked Turtle) Tackleburry – “Terrance is my hero. Definitely Terrance or that guy who used to host “Dance Fever”!
TUSHINGHAM D. HAMSTA
SOCCER HOOLIGAN OR SOUSED GERBIL? Warning… DO NOT call him a gerbil! Tushingham would think nothing of chewing off your foot at the ankle and beating you repeatedly over the head with it. A fast-livin’, rock n’ rollin’, hard-drinkin’ punk hamster with a bitter disposition, Tushingham is the ultimate slam-dancing, foul mouthed, brawling lout from the “other side of the pond”.
Sporting a tattoo of a hamster wheel on his “punchin’ arm to remind him of how “the man” has kept his people “running in circles all these years”, Tushingham and his special brand of rodent rage are always just seconds away from erupting at a tavern near you!
Fun Fact: Tushingham was once arrested for kidnapping after he was found passed out behind the wheel of a ’68 Chevy Impala with 162 empty bottles of Iron City beer and Rolling Stones lead guitarist Keith Richards asleep in the car’s trunk. Charges were dropped after Mr. Richards, who had been missing for 87 hours, was unable to put together a coherent sentence after repeated attempts by local police to find out what had happened.
What others say about Tushingham:
- Lil’ Pengy – “hello.”
- Stan the Man – “I NEVER said Tushingham owed me any money. And even if he did… it would be perfectly all right for him to keep it.”
- Terrance (The Badger) Kapunsky – “Tushy is a fine little bugger. He’s a might wacky in the head, but he means well. I don’t know if you’d find a finer man with as lengthy an arrest sheet as Tushy. That’s why I have faith in him.
- Leonard (the Mole) Stepponnmeisser – “Tushingham is very frightening, and he scares me too. Most things scare me actually, like fluoride and those really big street sweepers you only see at around 4:30 am. I mean why are they never seen at any other time? Have you ever seen one except at dawn? I am also very scared by those crazy people who call your house at all hours of the night asking you to switch your long distance, when it is obviously impossible to truly switch long distance, because time and space are based on the immutable laws of physics. I have books that would refute these incorrect ‘long distance’ concepts, but these salespeople never hold on long enough for me to fetch my glasses and anyway…not even those people frighten me nearly as much as Mr. Tushingham. One time I saw him eat glass and claim it was an appetizer. He was asking for dipping sauce. Some people might consider that odd.”
- Turk (the Naked Turtle) Tackleburry – “Is Tushingham nearby?? I have a VERY important appointment. Sorry, gotta go”.
SQUINTNG NEUROTIC OR MISUNDERSTOOD GENIUS? A jittery, stammering social recluse, Leonard the Mole often faints when snuck up on by his own shadow. He is the embodiment of frailty and a raging hypochondriac who wrings his hands in a constant nervous tick fest. Sure of his ever-widening list of protests, but unable to articulate them in any coherent or meaningful way, Leonard is a walking apology, a whining footnote in the rat race that is life.
Fitted with coke bottle glasses that accentuates his tiny eyes, Leonard is constantly trying to get some attention from his unlikely and faulty idol Terrance. Unfortunately, Leonard’s inability to finish a sentence allows his badger buddy to lead him into one dilemma after another.
With a litany of imagined ailments to draw from, Leonard is always sucking on a puffer, checking his temprature or taking one of his thousands of special pills to cure his ailment of the moment.
Fun Fact: Although most moles have a strong odor to discourage predators, Leonard’s unique scent is due to a fondness for bean burritos smothered in grubs and the extreme flatulance that ensues.
What others say about Leonard:
- Lil’ Pengy – “hello”
- Terrance (The Badger) Kapunsky – “Lenny is my pet project. He’s coming along slowly, but steadily. A few more weeks under my tutelage and he might actually make it out of the basement.”
- Tushingham D. Hamsta – “Blimey, is Leonard still alive? I thought I got pissed at his wake last year?”
- Stan the Man – “Let’s just say Lenny’s got problems. Sometimes I run an office pool on the over/under of medications he’ll take per week. I think the number has been pretty steady at 543.”
- Phineas T. Gumption – “I suppose I hate him if I can remember which one of those runts he is.”
STAN THE MAN
COMIC RELIEF OR LAZY ASS? No one has any idea what the deal is with Stan, nor do they bother to investigate. But everyone seems to have a friend like him, always hanging around and breathing your air. Where did he come from? What does he like? Whose friend is he? Who cares?
The epitome of nothing, the best that can be said about Stan is that he’s willing to do just about anything at any time with anyone, as long as he doesn’t have to pay. And God help you if you borrow any money from him. And although he wears the same smiley-face boxer shorts everyday, he considers himself a “dapper dresser” and trend setter.
Fun Fact: There is absolutely nothing fun or interesting about Stan.
What others say about Stan:
- Lil’ Pengy – “hello.”
- Terrance (The Badger) Kapunsky – “Ah, Stan.Yes… yes.. yes? OH STAN!… Stan is a fine fine Man!”
- Tushingham D. Hamsta – “Is Stan the one with the glasses I pummeled last night?”
- Leonard (The Mole) Stepponnmeisser – “Ooh, boy, I found myself stuck in an elevator with Stanely for six hours once, and I’m pretty claustrophobic and I tend to not breath so good in situations such as this and I’m gasping for air and choking all over the place and what not, and all I can remember about the whole ordeal is that after the first four hours he turns to me and asks if he has an apple skin stuck in his tooth, and when I told him he didn’t, he thanked me and went about staring at the wall. He seemed to like the wall. That’s sounds about right. I’d say he likes walls.”
- Turk (The Naked Turtle) Tackleburry – “I’m a big fan of Stan. He keeps Terrance from hanging out with me so much.”
- Phineas T. Gumption – “Stan the WHAT? Why are you bothering me?”
PHINEAS T. GUMPTION
POMPOUS ASS OR… WELL… POMPOUS ASS? The most wretched, condescending, rude soul ever to foul the landscape of humanity, Phineas T. Gumption is to the workplace what the Grinch is to Christmas. Irritated by the indignity of having to perform menial tasks for wretched pay, Gumption seethes in his own juices as he lays in wait for his next unsuspecting victim.
Not even the ever-amiable Lil’ Pengy can save Gumption, although he is usually reduced to a jabbering madman in our hero’s ‘hello’ wake. But despite many failed attempts at defeating his friendly foes, the specter of P.T. Gumption’s revenge is always just a new job away.
Fun Fact: Working as a receptionist for the Rape N’ Pillage Talent Agency Gumption made Marilyn Manson cry.
What others say about Gumption:
- Lil’ Pengy – “hello”
- Terrance (The Badger) Kapunsky – “I love that skinny goofball. He makes me laugh. Nothing makes my day like threatening to sue ol’ Gumption. Everyone has to have an archenemy, you know. Superman had Lex Luther and Spiderman had the Green Goblin and Bill Clinton had Kenneth Starr! What would I do with my spare time if I couldn’t drive that idiot to an asylum every once and awhile. Let’s face it, Gumption completes me.”
- Tushingham D. Hamsta – “I don’t know a thing about any “Gumption”, but I love a good Philly cheese steak with me grog. Tastes just as good comin’ up as goin’ down it does! WAIT!.. actually I think one time I was choking this judge in Cincinnati and he said I had a lot of gumption. It was either gumption or Jack Daniels, but who can bloody remember?
- Leonard the Mole – “Terrance says the technical term for Mr. Gumption is ‘Friggin’ A-hole’. Although I think it a dubious diagnosis based on his history of rabid narcissism, flights of paranoia and an obviously horrific childhood. I would diagnose him as a classic 301.22 Schizotypal Personality Disorder who might be helped by some Dolphin-assisted therapy, but I do like hearing Terrance say ‘friggin’ a-hole’.”
- Turk (The Naked Turtle) Tackleburry – “I think its exemplary that Mr. Gumption gets so many reception jobs despite having absolutely no social skills and a preternatural hatred for everything.”
TRAGIC HERO OR CIRCUMSTANTIAL EXHIBITIONIST? “I got it, I got it, I don’t got it!” is Turk Tackleburry’s favorite tag line. He is a truly tragic creature; wrinkled, slow-footed and robbed of his most prized possession. The very thing that defines him, that gives him safety and shelter; his shell!
But don’t feel bad for ol’ Turk. You just try and stop him from volunteering for the most challenging endeavors. You can knock him down, but he’ll pop right back up, even if he’s bit battered and bruised from the trip.
Fun Fact: Every year Turk reenacts the story of the “Tortoise and the Hare” by challenging a local rabbit to a 50 meter sprint. Unfortunately, unlike the famed story, Turk has yet to pass the one meter mark before succumbing to exhaustion.
What others say about Turk:
- Lil’ Pengy – “hello.”
- Terrance (The Badger) Kapunsky – “Turk is a trooper. He’s had none of the breaks, as say, myself. You know, brains, looks, a wardrobe. But when I’m done with him he’ll be unstoppable, well at least he won’t fall down as much!”
- Tushingham D. Hamsta – “That bare bloke can take a punch!”
- Leonard (The Mole) Stepponnmeisser – “People say I’m pretty frail, although I don’t know where they get that idea, I do my own taxes…from memory, and drink Cola! But this Turk fellow, I mean, Geez… whenever I see him he’s shivering and stammering and he won’t even try my anxiety medicine, which is quite potent, believe me.”
- Pheneas T. Gumption – “I’m sure I don’t know anything about any NUDE reptiles. My God!”